relationships
As Esther Perel shares often in her interviews, “every affair will completely redefine the relationship, and every relationship will determine what the legacy of the affair will be.” It’s no doubt that every affair is earth shattering, life changing and catastrophic to any relationship. Both the betrayed and the betrayer have lost their predictable future and everything is suddenly up in the air. This can be a traumatic, panic filled situation where a therapist can step in to offer clarity, stability and guidance.
While an affair can be a sign of a potential ending, it can also serve as a signal that the relationship has been suffering. It can be a catalyst that helps the couple reevaluate how they’ve each been showing up and for the first time, go underneath the surface to identify what was happening in the relationship before the affair. In other words, it’s not only the affair itself that matters, but the dynamics already put in place by the couple that allowed it to happen.
These sessions can be powerful as they give the couple a space to slow down and to understand the meaning the affair had, the overwhelming pain that the betrayed partner experiences and to decide together what’s best for the relationship moving forward. Will the couple decide to have a second marriage or relationship, or is it time to go our separate ways? The goal here is to bring the couple out of the crisis but to also use the crisis as information to ensure that the conditions that brought the relationship to the brink of ending never happens again.
I’ve spent many years learning about relationships, affairs and the deep seeded experiences people bring into their relationships that impact whether affairs happen or not. I will bring in trauma informed work such as EMDR and IFS (inner child work) to help each partner understand the role they each played based on their own individual histories and make up. I will walk with the couple every step of the way, whether it be to rebuild, restore or the restructure and create something new.
how I work with couples
I am trained in EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) and Gottman and RLT (Relational Life Therapy). I believe that the path to positive change is to take the lens off of the other and to focus on the what you bring to the table. The most important part each partner can play in becoming a better team is deciding to improve our own responses, the way you show up and how you responding to your partner. Here are also some other qualities I will support the couple to enhance during our work together:
Listening to understand, not to respond. Much of communication is in the receiving and taking in, much less in the speaking and sharing.
Responsibility and accountability. What the other person shares with yours is theirs and how you respond is yours. It’s important to get curious about why you respond the way you do. Does it have to do with your upbringing. attachment style, personal experiences in other relationships?
Understanding the attachment cycle, strategies and patterns that occur underneath the conflict is paramount.
Differentiation - learning where you stop and where your partner begins. Being able to define boundaries, where you can simultaneously express your views while accepting the other’s views without judgment or reactivity.
Flexibility - Allowing for influence from your partner, being open to step into an escalated situation with curiosity, to see what’s important for them, why does it matter to them?